Friday, September 21
New Layout
I finally updated to beta blogging (I think that's what it's called). It's still the same site, same sermon posts and same posts about premarital counseling, just a new look. Enjoy.
Thursday, September 20
Session 2: Family Background and Roles
Session 2 takes place about 4 months prior to the wedding. Some of the goals are to discern any possible problems with family members, understand more about their upbringing, teach about roles in marriage, and search for red flags in the relationship.
We review the parental wisdom project and their personality tests. Then we review their reading. After that, it's diving right in to session 2.
We review the parental wisdom project and their personality tests. Then we review their reading. After that, it's diving right in to session 2.
Relationships
Obviously there are many more reasons why marriages fail. These are a few of the overlooked ones. We generally attribute divorce to financial or sexual problems, abuse or addictions, or something "high-profile." This session covers reasons 1-3 in some way. We talk about these things in the second session because all too often couples decide to get married and are at a "point of no return" in the months leading up to the wedding. The earlier we can acknowledge possible red flags the better. It's easier to call off a wedding if you haven't sent out invitations, bought a dress, etc.
4 Reasons Why Marriages Fail
1. One or both persons fail to understand the stages and changes of individual development—the seasons of life—and how these changes affect their marriage. Many women experience a mid-life “crisis” in their late thirties/early forties, and so do men.
2. People have an inadequate basis upon which they build their personal identity and security. Too many build on performance, perfectionism, or appearance, and these eventually fade. Our identity comes from our Creator—God—and only when we are secure in Him will we have a strong sense of identity.
3. People come to marriage with unresolved issues between them and their parents, or they come from dysfunctional families and this intrudes upon their marriage.
4. People never get prepared for marriage and have totally unrealistic expectations about marriage.
Relational Red Flags
A. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.
B. You find yourself arguing often.
C. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
D. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.
E. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions or is prone to extreme emotions (out-of-control anger) or is on an emotional rollercoaster.
F. Your fiancé is controlling your appearance, interaction with friends, time spent together, etc.
G. You are continuing the relationship because of fear: fear of hurting your fiancé or of what he/she might do if you break up.
H. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect.
I. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job or is frequently borrowing money.
J. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He/she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.
K. Your fiancé is overly dependent on his/her parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.
L. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing behavior, or twisting the truth.
M. Your fiancé is abusing drugs or alcohol.
N. Your fiancé is addicted to pornography.
Other/Past Relationships
How much time will you spend with friends after you’re married?
How will you relate to opposite-sex friends after you’re married?
Have you had other serious dating relationships in the past?
Are you still friends with that person?
Do either of you have friends of the opposite sex? How close are you? How does your fiancé feel about this relationship?
How will this close friendship change after you’re married?
Do either of you get jealous? When? How do you act on your jealousy?
4 Reasons Why Marriages Fail
1. One or both persons fail to understand the stages and changes of individual development—the seasons of life—and how these changes affect their marriage. Many women experience a mid-life “crisis” in their late thirties/early forties, and so do men.
2. People have an inadequate basis upon which they build their personal identity and security. Too many build on performance, perfectionism, or appearance, and these eventually fade. Our identity comes from our Creator—God—and only when we are secure in Him will we have a strong sense of identity.
3. People come to marriage with unresolved issues between them and their parents, or they come from dysfunctional families and this intrudes upon their marriage.
4. People never get prepared for marriage and have totally unrealistic expectations about marriage.
Relational Red Flags
A. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.
B. You find yourself arguing often.
C. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
D. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.
E. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions or is prone to extreme emotions (out-of-control anger) or is on an emotional rollercoaster.
F. Your fiancé is controlling your appearance, interaction with friends, time spent together, etc.
G. You are continuing the relationship because of fear: fear of hurting your fiancé or of what he/she might do if you break up.
H. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect.
I. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job or is frequently borrowing money.
J. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He/she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.
K. Your fiancé is overly dependent on his/her parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.
L. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing behavior, or twisting the truth.
M. Your fiancé is abusing drugs or alcohol.
N. Your fiancé is addicted to pornography.
Other/Past Relationships
How much time will you spend with friends after you’re married?
How will you relate to opposite-sex friends after you’re married?
Have you had other serious dating relationships in the past?
Are you still friends with that person?
Do either of you have friends of the opposite sex? How close are you? How does your fiancé feel about this relationship?
How will this close friendship change after you’re married?
Do either of you get jealous? When? How do you act on your jealousy?
Spiritual Background
What kind of religious upbringing did you have, if any?
Describe your current personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
How certain are you that you are going to heaven when you die?
Describe your spiritual life over the past 10 years. What were the high points? What were the low points? What caused growth or prevented growth?
Are you involved in a local church? How has your involvement in a local church helped you grow in your relationship with Christ and your outreach to others?
If you had one passage from God’s Word that you would like your fiancé to incorporate into his/her life, what would it be? If you need some time to think about it, we can get back to it next time.
I realize this is a small section. Don't worry: we talk more about God later. I've found that most couples aren't going to know how to answer these questions. In our first meeting together, before we even start counseling, I find out whether they are Christians as well. Only so a believer isn't yoked with a non-believer. It's always a challenge to talk about Christ and the importance of a marriage built on Him, especially with guys. Most of them turn me off at this point.
While I don't believe Christianity to be solely a ticket to heaven, the question about heaven and its answer provides great insight on a person's idea of God/Christ/salvation.
Describe your current personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
How certain are you that you are going to heaven when you die?
Describe your spiritual life over the past 10 years. What were the high points? What were the low points? What caused growth or prevented growth?
Are you involved in a local church? How has your involvement in a local church helped you grow in your relationship with Christ and your outreach to others?
If you had one passage from God’s Word that you would like your fiancé to incorporate into his/her life, what would it be? If you need some time to think about it, we can get back to it next time.
I realize this is a small section. Don't worry: we talk more about God later. I've found that most couples aren't going to know how to answer these questions. In our first meeting together, before we even start counseling, I find out whether they are Christians as well. Only so a believer isn't yoked with a non-believer. It's always a challenge to talk about Christ and the importance of a marriage built on Him, especially with guys. Most of them turn me off at this point.
While I don't believe Christianity to be solely a ticket to heaven, the question about heaven and its answer provides great insight on a person's idea of God/Christ/salvation.
Functional and Dysfunctional Families
Most of us can identify characteristics from both lists, functional and dysfunctional, that were a part of our families growing up. How does a couple function when one comes from a largely functional family and the other a largely dysfunctional family? Is it smart to marry a couple like that?
The Functional Family
If a person was raised in a healthy home, he or she is fortunate. These families are called functional families because they function effectively and productively. Functional families display many of the following positive qualities:
1. The climate of the home is positive. The atmosphere is basically nonjudgmental.
2. Each member of the family is valued and accepted for who he or she is. There is regard for individual characteristics.
3. Each person is allowed to operate within his/her proper role. A child is allowed to be a child and an adult is an adult.
4. Members of the family care for one another, and they verbalize their caring and affirmation.
5. The communication process is healthy, open and direct. There are no double messages.
6. Children are reared in such a way that they can mature and become individuals in their own right. They separate from mom and dad in a healthy manner.
7. The family enjoys being together. They do not get together out of a sense of obligation.
8. Family members can laugh together.
9. Family members can share their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns with one another and still be accepted. A healthy level of intimacy exists within the home.
The Dysfunctional Family
The dysfunctional family is just the opposite. The phrase “shame-and-blame based” is a good description for this type of home. Dysfunctional families display many of these negative characteristics.
1. Abuse. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse can be blatant or subtle. Overprotecting a child, blaming others for the child’s problems, or distorting a child’s sense of reality (like saying his father doesn’t have a drinking problem but he’s just tired and overworked) are part of the emotional abuse one suffers.
2. Perfectionism. A child constantly feels he/she isn’t good enough for his/her parents.
3. Rigidity. Rules can never be broken, everything is planned and nothing is done spontaneously. There is no joy, no surprises like going on vacation.
4. Silence. A gag rule meaning no one can talk about the family outside the home. You can’t go to someone else with a problem but must keep it within the home. Thus children grow up thinking they must handle everything on their own.
5. Repression. Emotions are repressed and controlled instead of expressed openly. People put on a mask and only express what is “appropriate” and only when “appropriate.” Repressing feelings can trigger overeating, anorexia and bulimia, substance abuse, and compulsions of all types.
6. Triangulation. One family member uses another as a go-between. Children are caught in the middle of parents’ arguments. The child then begins to feel like his/her parents’ problems are his/her fault.
7. Double Messages. A young girl puts her arms around her father and feels his back stiffen as he tries to pull away. Both say, “I love you,” but she also hears his body language saying he doesn’t like being close to her.
8. Lack of Fun. Too much seriousness and not enough play time. For kids, this is a killer. The family doesn’t know how to have fun or use humor in positive ways.
9. Martyrdom. Others are put before the family. Kids are told to tough it out. “You aren’t hurt, so quit crying!” The family is the victim, so the kids grow up denying themselves pleasures and suppressing their true feelings.
10. Entanglement. Everyone pokes his/her nose in others’ business. No one knows what the boundaries are. When one person is feeling down, the whole family feels down.
The Functional Family
If a person was raised in a healthy home, he or she is fortunate. These families are called functional families because they function effectively and productively. Functional families display many of the following positive qualities:
1. The climate of the home is positive. The atmosphere is basically nonjudgmental.
2. Each member of the family is valued and accepted for who he or she is. There is regard for individual characteristics.
3. Each person is allowed to operate within his/her proper role. A child is allowed to be a child and an adult is an adult.
4. Members of the family care for one another, and they verbalize their caring and affirmation.
5. The communication process is healthy, open and direct. There are no double messages.
6. Children are reared in such a way that they can mature and become individuals in their own right. They separate from mom and dad in a healthy manner.
7. The family enjoys being together. They do not get together out of a sense of obligation.
8. Family members can laugh together.
9. Family members can share their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns with one another and still be accepted. A healthy level of intimacy exists within the home.
The Dysfunctional Family
The dysfunctional family is just the opposite. The phrase “shame-and-blame based” is a good description for this type of home. Dysfunctional families display many of these negative characteristics.
1. Abuse. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse can be blatant or subtle. Overprotecting a child, blaming others for the child’s problems, or distorting a child’s sense of reality (like saying his father doesn’t have a drinking problem but he’s just tired and overworked) are part of the emotional abuse one suffers.
2. Perfectionism. A child constantly feels he/she isn’t good enough for his/her parents.
3. Rigidity. Rules can never be broken, everything is planned and nothing is done spontaneously. There is no joy, no surprises like going on vacation.
4. Silence. A gag rule meaning no one can talk about the family outside the home. You can’t go to someone else with a problem but must keep it within the home. Thus children grow up thinking they must handle everything on their own.
5. Repression. Emotions are repressed and controlled instead of expressed openly. People put on a mask and only express what is “appropriate” and only when “appropriate.” Repressing feelings can trigger overeating, anorexia and bulimia, substance abuse, and compulsions of all types.
6. Triangulation. One family member uses another as a go-between. Children are caught in the middle of parents’ arguments. The child then begins to feel like his/her parents’ problems are his/her fault.
7. Double Messages. A young girl puts her arms around her father and feels his back stiffen as he tries to pull away. Both say, “I love you,” but she also hears his body language saying he doesn’t like being close to her.
8. Lack of Fun. Too much seriousness and not enough play time. For kids, this is a killer. The family doesn’t know how to have fun or use humor in positive ways.
9. Martyrdom. Others are put before the family. Kids are told to tough it out. “You aren’t hurt, so quit crying!” The family is the victim, so the kids grow up denying themselves pleasures and suppressing their true feelings.
10. Entanglement. Everyone pokes his/her nose in others’ business. No one knows what the boundaries are. When one person is feeling down, the whole family feels down.
Family Background
Marriage is not to one person, it's to an entire family. Though God calls us to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse, that doesn't mean we cut off all ties to our in-laws. I just married a couple last Saturday, and their 6-yr-old daughter cried when I introduced the unity candle. She thought she would never see grandma and grandpa again!
It's important to learn where each person has come from because, no matter how hard we try, we generally take something from our parents, both good and bad.
How many siblings do you each have? How do you get along with them?
Do they get along with your fiancé?
How far apart do your families live?
How important is family to you? Will they be a priority after you get married? How often will you visit them?
What was your family’s socioeconomic background as you were growing up? What is it now?
Is there any way in which there is still a dependency or something unresolved between you and your parents?
Did you experience any kind of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) as you grew up? Explain.
What traumatic, tragic events or hardships did your family experience? How did these shape you?
As you look back on your family history, do you see any legacies that have been passed from one generation to the next? (For example, one family might pass on a legacy of trusting in God through hard times, while another may give up in hard times.)
What words would you use to describe your parents’ marriage? Why did you choose these words?
What is there about your parents’ marriage that you want or don’t want?
What roles did your parents assume in the house?
How did they make decisions?
How do you think your relationships to your parents will change after you are married?
What other relatives do you expect to be involved in your marriage and family (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc)? In what ways would they be involved?
How involved do you want your parents and in-laws to be in your children’s lives? How will you accomplish this?
In this section, the man answers questions about his mother and the woman answers questions about her father. They say you subconsciously pick a spouse based on positive traits you see in your parent of the opposite sex. These are all questions for him, but replace "mother" with "father" and you get the questions for her.
List what you feel are the positive qualities of your mother.
List what you feel are the negative qualities of your mother.
Describe how you feel about your mother.
What emotions does she express openly and how?
Describe how you and your mother communicate.
Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your mother.
In what way is your fiancé similar and dissimilar to your mother?
What role will your mom play after marriage? Will you run to her or to your wife?
It's important to learn where each person has come from because, no matter how hard we try, we generally take something from our parents, both good and bad.
How many siblings do you each have? How do you get along with them?
Do they get along with your fiancé?
How far apart do your families live?
How important is family to you? Will they be a priority after you get married? How often will you visit them?
What was your family’s socioeconomic background as you were growing up? What is it now?
Is there any way in which there is still a dependency or something unresolved between you and your parents?
Did you experience any kind of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) as you grew up? Explain.
What traumatic, tragic events or hardships did your family experience? How did these shape you?
As you look back on your family history, do you see any legacies that have been passed from one generation to the next? (For example, one family might pass on a legacy of trusting in God through hard times, while another may give up in hard times.)
What words would you use to describe your parents’ marriage? Why did you choose these words?
What is there about your parents’ marriage that you want or don’t want?
What roles did your parents assume in the house?
How did they make decisions?
How do you think your relationships to your parents will change after you are married?
What other relatives do you expect to be involved in your marriage and family (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc)? In what ways would they be involved?
How involved do you want your parents and in-laws to be in your children’s lives? How will you accomplish this?
In this section, the man answers questions about his mother and the woman answers questions about her father. They say you subconsciously pick a spouse based on positive traits you see in your parent of the opposite sex. These are all questions for him, but replace "mother" with "father" and you get the questions for her.
List what you feel are the positive qualities of your mother.
List what you feel are the negative qualities of your mother.
Describe how you feel about your mother.
What emotions does she express openly and how?
Describe how you and your mother communicate.
Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your mother.
In what way is your fiancé similar and dissimilar to your mother?
What role will your mom play after marriage? Will you run to her or to your wife?
Roles Comparison
What do you believe about roles in marriage? Close your eyes and place up between 1-5 fingers. 1=strongly agree; 2=mildly agree; 3=not sure; 4=mildly disagree; 5=strongly agree
1. The husband is the head of the home.
2. The wife should not be employed outside the home.
3. The husband should help regularly with the household chores.
4. It is all right for the wife to initiate love-making with her husband.
5. The husband and wife should plan the budget and manage money matters together.
6. Neither the husband nor the wife should purchase an item costing more than $100 without consulting the other.
7. The father is the one responsible for disciplining the children.
8. A wife who has special talent should have a career.
9. It is the wife’s responsibility to keep the house neat and clean.
10. The husband should take his wife out somewhere twice a month.
11. It is the husband’s job to do the yard work.
12. The mother should be the one who teaches values to the children.
13. Children should be allowed to help plan family activities.
14. Children develop better in a home with parents who are strict disciplinarians.
15. Money that the wife earns is her money.
16. The husband or wife should have at least one night a week out with his/her friends.
17. The wife should always be the one to cook.
18. The husband’s responsibility is to his job and the wife’s responsibility is to the home and children.
Roles are something we’ve all heard of, and our parents probably had some sort of roles. But really, if there’s something the husband is good at, let him do it. The same goes for the wife. Don’t stress out if he ends up making dinner more than she does, or if she works outside the home and he doesn’t. If you can both be happy in the role you’re in, go for it.
I look for differences in the fingers. We talk about those they disagree about and see why. Personally, I think roles are helpful to a point. If a man and woman fulfill "traditional" roles, great. If not, as long as they can work together....that's the main thing. The only one I stick with firmly is #1, the husband as head of the wife, with an understanding of "headship" from Christ as the head of the church.
1. The husband is the head of the home.
2. The wife should not be employed outside the home.
3. The husband should help regularly with the household chores.
4. It is all right for the wife to initiate love-making with her husband.
5. The husband and wife should plan the budget and manage money matters together.
6. Neither the husband nor the wife should purchase an item costing more than $100 without consulting the other.
7. The father is the one responsible for disciplining the children.
8. A wife who has special talent should have a career.
9. It is the wife’s responsibility to keep the house neat and clean.
10. The husband should take his wife out somewhere twice a month.
11. It is the husband’s job to do the yard work.
12. The mother should be the one who teaches values to the children.
13. Children should be allowed to help plan family activities.
14. Children develop better in a home with parents who are strict disciplinarians.
15. Money that the wife earns is her money.
16. The husband or wife should have at least one night a week out with his/her friends.
17. The wife should always be the one to cook.
18. The husband’s responsibility is to his job and the wife’s responsibility is to the home and children.
Roles are something we’ve all heard of, and our parents probably had some sort of roles. But really, if there’s something the husband is good at, let him do it. The same goes for the wife. Don’t stress out if he ends up making dinner more than she does, or if she works outside the home and he doesn’t. If you can both be happy in the role you’re in, go for it.
I look for differences in the fingers. We talk about those they disagree about and see why. Personally, I think roles are helpful to a point. If a man and woman fulfill "traditional" roles, great. If not, as long as they can work together....that's the main thing. The only one I stick with firmly is #1, the husband as head of the wife, with an understanding of "headship" from Christ as the head of the church.
Marriage Goals and Expectations Homework
At the end of the second session I assign 2 bits of homework. The first is to make a list of marriage goals. Each person needs to make a list of 8 marriage goals, one personal goal for the next 3-5 years, and one goal for their future spouse in the next 3-5 years (being sure not to say I hope he/she changes...). Goals are like a vision for a church: without it, the church goes nowhere. I think the same applies to our marriages. Without some basic goals, like "We want to have a date night at least 3 times a month," it is harder to sustain a marriage and grow as a couple.
The next assignment involves expectations. They are each to write out 20 expectations they have for the other person. "I expect him to take out the trash each week." "I expect her to do the majority of the cleaning." Perhaps these are realistic expectations, perhaps they are not. We find that out in session three. Then they have to write out a sentence explaining how their marriage would be different if each goal was not met. If all these sentences sound selfish, I know we need to talk.
Thus ends session 2. Tell me what you think.
The next assignment involves expectations. They are each to write out 20 expectations they have for the other person. "I expect him to take out the trash each week." "I expect her to do the majority of the cleaning." Perhaps these are realistic expectations, perhaps they are not. We find that out in session three. Then they have to write out a sentence explaining how their marriage would be different if each goal was not met. If all these sentences sound selfish, I know we need to talk.
Thus ends session 2. Tell me what you think.
Sunday, September 9
Thank You for Helping
I know only one person left a comment saying they would read over my premarital counseling material. Thanks Kelly! So if you're reading this and wondering what's going on, here's the scoop.
I am posting everything I use during my six premarital counseling sessions online—one a week—and asking for opinions. You may have questions, you may wonder why I included something or why I didn't include something else. That's the goal. Feedback. So comment as much as you want, even if that is just a few words of affirmation. I don't know what you're thinking unless you tell me.
You'll notice some parts are italicized. That's me narrating.
I also want to give credit where credit's due. Some parts of these posts are direct quotes. I'm not attempting to pass others' material off as my own. I'm simply asking if you think it's beneficial for me to use. Here are the primary resources I used to compile what you see:
Before You Say "I Do" workbook by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts
Preparing for Marriage by David Boehl, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte & Lloyd Shadrach
The Premarital Counseling Handbook by H. Norman Wright
Class notes from an IWU Pastoral Counseling class
Handouts from my father-in-law, Pastor Gale Janofski
Thanks for your help. Happy reading!
Myself
I am posting everything I use during my six premarital counseling sessions online—one a week—and asking for opinions. You may have questions, you may wonder why I included something or why I didn't include something else. That's the goal. Feedback. So comment as much as you want, even if that is just a few words of affirmation. I don't know what you're thinking unless you tell me.
You'll notice some parts are italicized. That's me narrating.
I also want to give credit where credit's due. Some parts of these posts are direct quotes. I'm not attempting to pass others' material off as my own. I'm simply asking if you think it's beneficial for me to use. Here are the primary resources I used to compile what you see:
Before You Say "I Do" workbook by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts
Preparing for Marriage by David Boehl, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte & Lloyd Shadrach
The Premarital Counseling Handbook by H. Norman Wright
Class notes from an IWU Pastoral Counseling class
Handouts from my father-in-law, Pastor Gale Janofski
Thanks for your help. Happy reading!
Myself
Purpose of Premarital Counseling
I believe it's extremely important the couple know up front that counseling is beneficial even though they hate homework and feel ready for marriage already. I want them to know they might disagree with what I say and that they won't always leave happy campers. This is especially true for non-Christian couples. So this is how I open up our first session together.
What were your expectations for premarital counseling?
The purpose of these sessions is to see if you are ready for marriage. It is to test your relationship with each other, with parents and with God. There will be times you will walk away in frustration or anger. That’s okay.
Marriage is for the rest of your life. It’s important that you understand just how long that is and how big a commitment you are making to this person. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who gets engaged gets married. Your honesty and perseverance through these sessions and the homework assigned will go a long way in this journey for marital preparation.
“To me it seems that we are living in an important and uncertain age, and the institution of marriage is most assuredly in an uncertain state. If 50-75 percent of Ford or General Motors cars completely fell apart within the early part of their lifetimes as automobiles, drastic steps would be taken. We have no such well organized way of dealing with our social institutions, so people are groping, more or less blindly, to find alternatives to marriage (which is certainly less than 50 percent successful). Living together without marriage, living in communes, extensive child care centers, serial monogamy (with one divorce after another), the women’s liberation movement to establish the woman as a person in her own right, new divorce laws which do away with the concept of guilt—these are all groping toward some new form of man-woman relationship for the future. It would take a bolder man than I to predict what will emerge.”
—Carl Rogers, counselor, 1972.
What were your expectations for premarital counseling?
The purpose of these sessions is to see if you are ready for marriage. It is to test your relationship with each other, with parents and with God. There will be times you will walk away in frustration or anger. That’s okay.
Marriage is for the rest of your life. It’s important that you understand just how long that is and how big a commitment you are making to this person. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who gets engaged gets married. Your honesty and perseverance through these sessions and the homework assigned will go a long way in this journey for marital preparation.
“To me it seems that we are living in an important and uncertain age, and the institution of marriage is most assuredly in an uncertain state. If 50-75 percent of Ford or General Motors cars completely fell apart within the early part of their lifetimes as automobiles, drastic steps would be taken. We have no such well organized way of dealing with our social institutions, so people are groping, more or less blindly, to find alternatives to marriage (which is certainly less than 50 percent successful). Living together without marriage, living in communes, extensive child care centers, serial monogamy (with one divorce after another), the women’s liberation movement to establish the woman as a person in her own right, new divorce laws which do away with the concept of guilt—these are all groping toward some new form of man-woman relationship for the future. It would take a bolder man than I to predict what will emerge.”
—Carl Rogers, counselor, 1972.
Defining Marriage
Define marriage. What is its purpose?
Do you believe that marriage is a covenant? Why or why not?
Do you agree or disagree with the following quotes?
“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” —Sydney Smith
“Is marriage a private action of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract? Neither, it is something other. Very much other! Basically, the Christian view of marriage is not that it is primarily or essentially a binding legal and social contract. The Christian understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its actions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent than any legal contract.” —David Augsburger
“A system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true.” —Unknown.
“Marriage is a relationship between man and woman intended by God to be a monogamous relationship, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied—the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual satisfaction, for children, the need to escape loneliness. Marriage ought to be a bond of love, reflecting the love Christ has for His people, a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife have become one, one flesh, a unity.” —Daniel Freeman
Do you believe that marriage is a covenant? Why or why not?
Do you agree or disagree with the following quotes?
“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” —Sydney Smith
“Is marriage a private action of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract? Neither, it is something other. Very much other! Basically, the Christian view of marriage is not that it is primarily or essentially a binding legal and social contract. The Christian understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its actions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent than any legal contract.” —David Augsburger
“A system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true.” —Unknown.
“Marriage is a relationship between man and woman intended by God to be a monogamous relationship, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied—the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual satisfaction, for children, the need to escape loneliness. Marriage ought to be a bond of love, reflecting the love Christ has for His people, a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife have become one, one flesh, a unity.” —Daniel Freeman
Good and Bad Reasons for Marriage
My goal for this time is to look for red flags of immaturity, selfishness, or an unhealthy relationship. If a couple cannot come up with 12 reasons to marry the other person and 12 reasons to get married now, that's also a red flag.
What will you receive out of marriage that you wouldn’t receive by remaining single?
Share 12 reasons why you want to marry the other person and 12 indications as to why this is the time of your life to marry.
Unhealthy Reasons for Marriage:
To spite or get back at your parents.
Because of a negative self-image—marrying your fiancé will make you feel worthwhile and will give meaning to your life.
False idealism—thinking you’ll be happy because you’re married.
To be a therapist or counselor to your fiancé.
Fear of being left out. Being left as a bachelor or old maid.
Fear of independence.
Marrying on the rebound—you were hurt in a former love relationship and to ease your hurt you immediately choose another.
Fear of hurting the other person—you’re afraid of what will happen to your fiancé if you break up even though you know that marriage is not the answer.
To escape an unhappy home.
Financial stability—needing someone else to support you financially.
Because you are pregnant or your fiancé is pregnant.
Because you have had sex.
Because the other person looks physically attractive.
Positive Reasons for Marriage:
Companionship.
To work together and fulfill your own and your future mate’s needs.
To fulfill sexual needs in the way God intends.
Love: a mixture between eros, philia and agape.
Because you are convinced that it is God’s will for you to marry this person.
What will you receive out of marriage that you wouldn’t receive by remaining single?
Share 12 reasons why you want to marry the other person and 12 indications as to why this is the time of your life to marry.
Unhealthy Reasons for Marriage:
To spite or get back at your parents.
Because of a negative self-image—marrying your fiancé will make you feel worthwhile and will give meaning to your life.
False idealism—thinking you’ll be happy because you’re married.
To be a therapist or counselor to your fiancé.
Fear of being left out. Being left as a bachelor or old maid.
Fear of independence.
Marrying on the rebound—you were hurt in a former love relationship and to ease your hurt you immediately choose another.
Fear of hurting the other person—you’re afraid of what will happen to your fiancé if you break up even though you know that marriage is not the answer.
To escape an unhappy home.
Financial stability—needing someone else to support you financially.
Because you are pregnant or your fiancé is pregnant.
Because you have had sex.
Because the other person looks physically attractive.
Positive Reasons for Marriage:
Companionship.
To work together and fulfill your own and your future mate’s needs.
To fulfill sexual needs in the way God intends.
Love: a mixture between eros, philia and agape.
Because you are convinced that it is God’s will for you to marry this person.
Getting to Know You
These are a few questions I ask to get to know the couple. I've already taken some time to get to know them during our initial meeting, where I determine whether or not to begin counseling.
How did you meet?
What attracted you to one another?
How long have you been dating/engaged?
If I were to ask you to describe your fiancé, what would you say?
Is there anything about your current relationship you would like to change after marriage?
Have you discussed this marriage with your parents? How do they feel about it?
What are your hobbies? Which do you do separately, and which do you do together?
My fiancé irritates me most when he/she:
What are your pet peeves?
How did you meet?
What attracted you to one another?
How long have you been dating/engaged?
If I were to ask you to describe your fiancé, what would you say?
Is there anything about your current relationship you would like to change after marriage?
Have you discussed this marriage with your parents? How do they feel about it?
What are your hobbies? Which do you do separately, and which do you do together?
My fiancé irritates me most when he/she:
What are your pet peeves?
Love
This next section of session 1 is all about love: what the Bible says about it, what the couple thinks about it, and why it's so important.
How would you define love?
Love in Scripture
Proverbs 17:17
Matthew 22:37-39
John 3:16
1 Corinthians 8:1
Luke 6:27-32
Ephesians 4:2
1 Peter 4:8
Luke 10:30-37
Ephesians 5:25
1 John 3:16-18
1 Corinthians 13 In-Depth
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the most poetic passages of Scripture regarding love. As we look at all that it says, give three examples of how each could be applied in your marriage.
1. Is patient—endures offenses, is not hasty, waits for the Lord to right all wrong.
2. Is kind—not inconsiderate, seeks to help, is constructive, blesses when cursed, helps when hurt, demonstrates tenderness.
3. Is not envious but content—is not jealous of another person’s success or competition.
4. Is not boastful, but reserved—does not show off, try to impress, want to be the center of attention.
5. Is not arrogant or proud but humble—is not stuck-up; but lowly and gracious.
6. Is not rude, but courteous.
7. Is not selfish, but self-forgetful.
8. Is not easily angered, but good tempered.
9. Is not a score keeper—not vindictive or wrathful, but generous.
10. Does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
11. Is a protector, even when it costs something.
12. Is trusting, not cynical or critical, gives the benefit of the doubt.
13. Is hopeful for the best, does not give up easily.
14. Is not conquerable, but invincible.
Three Types of Love: Eros, Philia, Agape
1. Eros: The love that seeks sensual expression. Eros is a romantic love, a sexual love. The husband and wife, in a good marriage, will love each other romantically and erotically.
2. Philia: The love friendships are made of. Friendship means companionship, communication, and cooperation. This is philia.
3. Agape: A self-giving love, the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable. Agape love is not something that happens to you; it’s something you make happen. Love is a personal act of commitment. Christ’s love is this type of love. It’s sacrificial, unconditional and eternal.
What can you do to demonstrate these three kinds of love in your marriage? Write three examples for each.
Eros Philia Agape
1. 1. 1.
2. 2. 2.
3. 3. 3.
In light of what is happening to marriages today, why will yours be different?
And that's the end of session 1 besides assigning homework.
How would you define love?
Love in Scripture
Proverbs 17:17
Matthew 22:37-39
John 3:16
1 Corinthians 8:1
Luke 6:27-32
Ephesians 4:2
1 Peter 4:8
Luke 10:30-37
Ephesians 5:25
1 John 3:16-18
1 Corinthians 13 In-Depth
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the most poetic passages of Scripture regarding love. As we look at all that it says, give three examples of how each could be applied in your marriage.
1. Is patient—endures offenses, is not hasty, waits for the Lord to right all wrong.
2. Is kind—not inconsiderate, seeks to help, is constructive, blesses when cursed, helps when hurt, demonstrates tenderness.
3. Is not envious but content—is not jealous of another person’s success or competition.
4. Is not boastful, but reserved—does not show off, try to impress, want to be the center of attention.
5. Is not arrogant or proud but humble—is not stuck-up; but lowly and gracious.
6. Is not rude, but courteous.
7. Is not selfish, but self-forgetful.
8. Is not easily angered, but good tempered.
9. Is not a score keeper—not vindictive or wrathful, but generous.
10. Does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
11. Is a protector, even when it costs something.
12. Is trusting, not cynical or critical, gives the benefit of the doubt.
13. Is hopeful for the best, does not give up easily.
14. Is not conquerable, but invincible.
Three Types of Love: Eros, Philia, Agape
1. Eros: The love that seeks sensual expression. Eros is a romantic love, a sexual love. The husband and wife, in a good marriage, will love each other romantically and erotically.
2. Philia: The love friendships are made of. Friendship means companionship, communication, and cooperation. This is philia.
3. Agape: A self-giving love, the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable. Agape love is not something that happens to you; it’s something you make happen. Love is a personal act of commitment. Christ’s love is this type of love. It’s sacrificial, unconditional and eternal.
What can you do to demonstrate these three kinds of love in your marriage? Write three examples for each.
Eros Philia Agape
1. 1. 1.
2. 2. 2.
3. 3. 3.
In light of what is happening to marriages today, why will yours be different?
And that's the end of session 1 besides assigning homework.
Parental Wisdom Project/Other Homework
Part of their homework for session 2 is a parental wisdom project. The goal is to learn from their parents, both the good and the bad. And hopefully it helps their parents feel like they are impacting their children. I also have the take a personality test (not posting it) and read the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.The premise of the book is that God uses marriage to make us holy. Not only is this a new concept to most couples, it's also a Christian concept. The book is loaded with Scripture and stories from the author's marriage and the marriages of others that illustrate his point. I found it helpful in my own marriage, so why not let others read it too?
With each chapter they are to mark in the book to show they've read, as well as ask three questions. Those questions form the beginning of our discussion in the following session. So you don't think they have to read it all at once, reading is spread out over a period of about 5 months.Here's the parental wisdom project.
“My son, observe the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother” (Proverbs 6:20).
“Honor your father and mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12).
This project is a way to get marital wisdom from your parents. As adults, you are not asking them to make a decision for you, nor should they expect to make your decisions for you. You are simply gaining their input, insights, and counsel (questions 1-10).
This project will also help you as your future in-laws give you a better understanding of how to love their son or daughter. Your relationship with your in-laws can be one of the richest in your life when you begin your marriage by honoring them (questions 11-13).
The best way to complete this project is to sit down face-to-face with your parents and future in-laws. If you cannot meet face-to-face, a phone conversation is the next best thing. Hearing their answers will give you more wisdom than reading their answers. If both of those don’t work, you can mail it to them and have it mailed back or email it.
If your parents are divorced, you can decide who to ask. If you want to ask step-parents, that’s fine. It is probably best to include those people you feel close to. If some of the questions are touchy subjects for your parents, feel free to adapt the questionnaire. Have fun with your parents!
1. What strengths do you see in my life that will help me in marriage?
2. What weaknesses do you see in my life that will be a challenge for me to work on and overcome in my marriage?
3. If you could give me one piece of advice about marriage (based on what you did right or wrong), what would it be and why?
4. What is your best advice to me in the following areas as I embark on this new adventure called marriage? Pick three to five you would like to comment on.
◊Finances
◊Commitment
◊Priorities
◊Communication
◊Humor
◊Work
◊Sex
◊Parenting
◊Husband/Wife Roles
◊Spiritual Growth
5. Is there anything special or meaningful to you that you would like us to include in the wedding ceremony?
6. How do you anticipate my relationship with you, as my parents, will change now that I am marrying and establishing a new family and home?
7. How would you like us to handle holidays?
8. If God gives us children, how would you like to be in their lives?
9. Would you like us to drop in unannounced or call before visiting?
10. Do you have any specific expectations about where we attend church?
11. What are some qualities you see in me as a future son- or daughter-in-law that make you think I am the right person for your son/daughter to marry?
12. What unique and personal advice would you give me about your son/daughter that will help me to be the life partner he/she needs?
13. What would you like me to call you after we are married?
Purity Covenant
This is the purity covenant that I have them sign during session 1.
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his/her own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4
It is easy to know another person sexually, especially in our present culture. But a marriage relationship requires much more than physical intimacy. There first needs to be spiritual and emotional intimacy to build trust, commitment and communication. Marriage is a lifelong covenant to love and care and nourish.
God had our best in mind when He gave us strong directives about sexual purity before marriage. There are many benefits to staying pure before marriage. By waiting until marriage, you:
Please God.
Build trust that is necessary for intimacy.
Develop godly qualities of patience and self-control.
Affirm you care more for the other person than for yourself.
Protect yourself from feelings of guilt and shame.
Provide an example for your children.
Are protected from emotional, physical and mental trauma should you break up.
Develop healthy communication skills and habits.
Avoid the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.
Maintain a clear conscience before God and others.
Increase the anticipation and enjoyment of your wedding night.
Experience the peace God gives from obedience.
Discover more about each other than the physical.
Maintain a witness to a lost world.
Bring glory to God.
Were there any of those that resonated with you? Mark your top five and share why they were important. Keep this in a prominent place until your wedding day. Remind yourself why you are waiting.
In obedience to God’s command, I promise to protect your sexual purity from this day until our honeymoon. Because I respect and honor you, I commit to building up the inner person of your heart rather than violating you. I pledge to show my love for you in ways that allow both of us to maintain a clear conscience before God and each other.
This is my promise of purity.
Signed _____________________ Dated ________________
Signed _____________________ Dated ________________
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4
It is easy to know another person sexually, especially in our present culture. But a marriage relationship requires much more than physical intimacy. There first needs to be spiritual and emotional intimacy to build trust, commitment and communication. Marriage is a lifelong covenant to love and care and nourish.
God had our best in mind when He gave us strong directives about sexual purity before marriage. There are many benefits to staying pure before marriage. By waiting until marriage, you:
Please God.
Build trust that is necessary for intimacy.
Develop godly qualities of patience and self-control.
Affirm you care more for the other person than for yourself.
Protect yourself from feelings of guilt and shame.
Provide an example for your children.
Are protected from emotional, physical and mental trauma should you break up.
Develop healthy communication skills and habits.
Avoid the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.
Maintain a clear conscience before God and others.
Increase the anticipation and enjoyment of your wedding night.
Experience the peace God gives from obedience.
Discover more about each other than the physical.
Maintain a witness to a lost world.
Bring glory to God.
Were there any of those that resonated with you? Mark your top five and share why they were important. Keep this in a prominent place until your wedding day. Remind yourself why you are waiting.
In obedience to God’s command, I promise to protect your sexual purity from this day until our honeymoon. Because I respect and honor you, I commit to building up the inner person of your heart rather than violating you. I pledge to show my love for you in ways that allow both of us to maintain a clear conscience before God and each other.
This is my promise of purity.
Signed _____________________ Dated ________________
Signed _____________________ Dated ________________
Witnessed By ________________ Dated ________________
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