Functional and Dysfunctional Families

Most of us can identify characteristics from both lists, functional and dysfunctional, that were a part of our families growing up. How does a couple function when one comes from a largely functional family and the other a largely dysfunctional family? Is it smart to marry a couple like that?

The Functional Family

If a person was raised in a healthy home, he or she is fortunate. These families are called functional families because they function effectively and productively. Functional families display many of the following positive qualities:
1. The climate of the home is positive. The atmosphere is basically nonjudgmental.
2. Each member of the family is valued and accepted for who he or she is. There is regard for individual characteristics.
3. Each person is allowed to operate within his/her proper role. A child is allowed to be a child and an adult is an adult.
4. Members of the family care for one another, and they verbalize their caring and affirmation.
5. The communication process is healthy, open and direct. There are no double messages.
6. Children are reared in such a way that they can mature and become individuals in their own right. They separate from mom and dad in a healthy manner.
7. The family enjoys being together. They do not get together out of a sense of obligation.
8. Family members can laugh together.
9. Family members can share their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns with one another and still be accepted. A healthy level of intimacy exists within the home.

The Dysfunctional Family

The dysfunctional family is just the opposite. The phrase “shame-and-blame based” is a good description for this type of home. Dysfunctional families display many of these negative characteristics.
1. Abuse. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse can be blatant or subtle. Overprotecting a child, blaming others for the child’s problems, or distorting a child’s sense of reality (like saying his father doesn’t have a drinking problem but he’s just tired and overworked) are part of the emotional abuse one suffers.
2. Perfectionism. A child constantly feels he/she isn’t good enough for his/her parents.
3. Rigidity. Rules can never be broken, everything is planned and nothing is done spontaneously. There is no joy, no surprises like going on vacation.
4. Silence. A gag rule meaning no one can talk about the family outside the home. You can’t go to someone else with a problem but must keep it within the home. Thus children grow up thinking they must handle everything on their own.
5. Repression. Emotions are repressed and controlled instead of expressed openly. People put on a mask and only express what is “appropriate” and only when “appropriate.” Repressing feelings can trigger overeating, anorexia and bulimia, substance abuse, and compulsions of all types.
6. Triangulation. One family member uses another as a go-between. Children are caught in the middle of parents’ arguments. The child then begins to feel like his/her parents’ problems are his/her fault.
7. Double Messages. A young girl puts her arms around her father and feels his back stiffen as he tries to pull away. Both say, “I love you,” but she also hears his body language saying he doesn’t like being close to her.
8. Lack of Fun. Too much seriousness and not enough play time. For kids, this is a killer. The family doesn’t know how to have fun or use humor in positive ways.
9. Martyrdom. Others are put before the family. Kids are told to tough it out. “You aren’t hurt, so quit crying!” The family is the victim, so the kids grow up denying themselves pleasures and suppressing their true feelings.
10. Entanglement. Everyone pokes his/her nose in others’ business. No one knows what the boundaries are. When one person is feeling down, the whole family feels down.